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#41, January 2nd, 2024
Hey Shani,
I’m newly in a relationship, and one of my closest friends is the “last one” who is still single. I’m still including her but she makes comments about how bad it feels to be in her position. I’d feel the same if i was her but I’d never say that to a friend who just started seeing someone. I don’t know how to comfort her without letting her put a damper on my happiness for myself.
Hey You,
To begin with, you’re a good friend. A bad friend wouldn’t bother to notice the feelings of their single friend, much less ask for advice on this situation. I think you can be really proud of yourself for this mindset, so please move forward through my answer with a strong dose of self-kindness, you deserve it. There’s never going to be a 100% comfy way to approach a situation involving comparison and/or jealousy, but in my opinion the only real “wrong” way to deal with it is by invalidating your single friend’s feelings or your own, and it sounds like we don’t have to worry about that.
You are not in charge of how anyone else feels, and you’re not in charge of what anyone else does. The same is true for other people and how they feel about you. While you might not choose to behave as your friend is behaving if you were in her position, you can think of that as a flaw, or have empathy for it as a friend. This situation is a bit more nuanced than “put yourself in their shoes.” I think you have to wear some grown-ass boots of your own here.