Should I Settle For Friends With Benefits?

When it feels like everything we want is impossible.

Welcome to Hey Shani, an advice column by Shani Silver. I am accepting new questions! Email yours to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.

#115, June 17th, 2025

Hey Shani,

I saw a man's dating profile that indicated he was looking for a woman who was into fishing and hunting. My reaction was this: "Ha, silly man! Surely those women exist, but good luck finding one." But then I realized I'm no different than him because I'm looking for an emotionally available man. Which led me to ask myself if it's better to get some of what I want (eg, FWB) rather than none of what I want. What do you think about friends with benefits?

Hey You,

Nothing is ever impossible, and shame on the dating industry and dating culture for creating a world where hope for real connection is a fantasy. I know how difficult it is to find a romantic partner in this day and age—I still haven’t done it. But what I’m not going to do is let a rotten dating culture convince me that wanting something very simple is too complicated. We’re asking for companionship, not a lottery win. The things we want exist, and it’s on us to find the logic between what we’re experiencing and what is actually possible so that we don’t give up on our own futures. Anything is possible, including the kinds of partnerships we want. I’ll never stop believing that because I see it happen around me all the time. It is logical to believe in love because love happens every day.

What I think of “friends with benefits” doesn’t matter. What you think of them matters. From what I can see, a FWB situation is only going to give you some of what you want, not all of what you want, so in this situation FWB is settling. It’s settling because you don’t think that what you want is possible. So we’re going to talk about two things today: what settling really means for our lives, and how we show ourselves that what we want is never an impossibility. And yes, I’ll tell you what I think about “friends with benefits” too, since you asked.