Everyone Backed Out Of My Birthday
How it feels when people don't show up for you.
Welcome to Hey Shani, an advice column by Shani Silver. I am accepting new questions! Email yours to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.
#119, July 15th, 2025
Hey Shani,
I’m turning 40 in a few weeks. I feel great about this milestone! And I’ve never really made a big deal about my birthday. But this year, I invited 15 friends (I live in a different country than my family) to join me for a walk in the countryside near my home and an early dinner that would allow everyone to get back to kids, partners, dogs other responsibilities. Invites went out 2 months ahead because… adult life. One by one, 13 out 15 have now cancelled or changed their reply to a ‘maybe’. So I’ve cancelled the celebration and am now looking at spending my 40th birthday and birthday weekend alone. I am uncharacteristically spiralling about this. I can and have done a decade of solo birthdays, trips, meals, cinema, theatre shows, etc etc. But something about people not showing up for me is making it really hard to rally or reframe. Any advice?
Hey You,
It’s really hard to avoid internalizing this sort of thing. Give yourself a little space to feel it before we go any further. I’d rather have you feel your authentic feelings for a moment instead of trying to shine on some sort of false positivity that lies to us both. This sucks, but that many friends backing out of your 40th birthday is something they should be ashamed of, not you. You don’t have to “rally” from this if you don’t want to, there’s no shame or failure in that, and honestly I’m tired of single women having to rally in general. It’s exhausting, especially when it’s something you have to do repeatedly. We’re not meant to perpetually be the only one who shows up for us. We’re human beings, we’re meant to have community, too. On occasion, it would be nice for someone else to take a shift.
Realistically speaking, there’s no one group of individuals who have it “easy.” I know there are dreamy little relationships where people show up for each other in equal measure and everyone always feels cherished and supported but after four decades of life I think we both know that more often than not everyone—partnered, single, parents, child-free—all of us know what it’s like to feel alone, even when we have people. Our value is never going to be measured by how much or how often other people show up for us. Our value is measured by our existence—nothing more. Those who move through life needing proof of their value in reflections from others are going to struggle more than you and me, because we don’t do that. Right?