Welcome to Hey Shani, an advice column by Shani Silver. I do not publish free content, but if you’d like to read this post as well as the entire archive you can subscribe here. Thank you for enjoying the work of independent writers.
Hey Shani is currently accepting new questions! Email yours to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.
#40, December 26th, 2023
Hey Shani,
Over the years (and years), I have had such a difficult time dating and trying to find someone that I’m pretty much convinced I’m just unlovable. Is it normal to feel this way after all we can go through as singles?
Hey You,
Shit yes it’s normal! I think all feelings are normal, for the record. I do not however believe that all feelings are telling the truth. Specifically with singlehood and dating, we’ve been conditioned to take the presence or absence of romantic interest and desire as reflections of our worth, as though partnership is some kind of merit-based accomplishment. It is not. Love is a result of luck, fate, chance, etc., by my stars society will come up with every tall tale it can to try and convince us it’s literally anything else. And most definitely our fault if we haven’t found it.
The things that happen to us in dating culture do not define our lovability. All they define is dating culture. As a society we have a terrible habit of confusing the two, so I’d like to help you separate them. I’ve felt unlovable, “doomed” to be single for all time—I’ve felt it all. I no longer do. Just so you know, it’s possible to change how you think and feel about being single.