Welcome to Hey Shani, an advice column by Shani Silver. I do not publish free content, but if you’d like to read this post as well as the entire archive you can subscribe here. Thank you for enjoying the work of independent writers.
Hey Shani is currently accepting new questions! Email yours to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.
#51, March 12th, 2024
Hey Shani,
I found you through listening to the Unfuck your brain podcast and really appreciated your philosophy that we just haven't met our partners yet. I appreciate your advice that applies to people of any race. As a Black woman, I've been constantly bombarded with society's idea that Black women are the least attractive of all women and I think this has affected my ability to approach men. And when I do and get rejected, it really affects my self esteem. I think I was recently passively rejected by a guy I used to work with when I reached out to him on Facebook. I started off slow and asked his interest in an organization with the plan to ask him for coffee if he responded. He clearly read the message but never responded. I took that as rejection and I have enough self respect for myself not to follow up when he clearly read the message. I've been single my entire life and I just live my life and do really cool things with or without friends. Either way, this still affected my self esteem and made me retreat for a moment to think that maybe he doesn't like Black women or think that I'm attractive enough. How can I stop doing this? I hate that I did that but it moved me to find a way to retrain my brain which ultimately led me to your advice.
Hey You,
Retraining your brain is a project most people will never even know is on the table, so please congratulate yourself for the level-up. As a white woman, I can’t know how it feels to be societally groomed in the first-person around black female beauty, and I apologize that my perspective is limited on that front. Where I hope I can help is in a broader reframing around “reasons” why we’re single, or why we get rejected, that can be applied here as well as throughout many areas of our single (or otherwise!) lives.
“What is meant for us will not miss us” is one of the most comforting truths I’ve ever learned, because not only does it prove itself to be true time and time again, it also helps me remember the other truth that gets me through hard times: Rejection is protection. While rejection has every right to feel like shit, the primary reason why it happened was they are simply not a person for you—rather than any societally programmed and biased narratives. In my singlehood, I like to remind myself of all the ways I’ve been protected. They don’t always feel good in the moment, and I think here your pain is unquestionably valid, but I have also found that with time comes gratitude. There’s no one who’s ever rejected me that I’d want to be married to right now and that’s the truth. It’s how I feel lucky, not lonely, most of the time.