Welcome to Hey Shani, an advice column by Shani Silver. I do not publish free content, but if you’d like to read this post as well as the entire archive you can subscribe here. Thank you for enjoying the work of independent writers.
Hey Shani is currently accepting new questions! Email yours to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.
#77, September 17th, 2024
Hey Shani,
I would love to hear your thoughts on trust issues. I know logically that not all men are unfaithful/ manipulative/ untrustworthy etc. but there is some part of my brain that isn’t on board. I have discussed this with a therapist but I haven’t made much progress. My fear is that I’m unintentionally closing myself off to a relationship or if I did meet someone, my issues would get in the way. Do you have any advice? ♥️
Hey You,
Worrying about something before it happens? Classic! This is a classic narrative in singlehood and in so many additional areas of life. There are some of us on this planet who were born to worry, and you’re reading one of them right now. I understand how you feel, and I know how acutely our worries can dominate our emotions. At the same time, we don’t deserve to live life under the weight of things we can’t possibly control.
I’ve been in your position and while there’s no voice or Substack in the world that can solve everything, I do have some thoughts on “trust issues” specifically as they relate to fearing the future. While you read, please give yourself a break. You don’t carry these concerns about trusting men for no reason. You didn’t invent them, you didn’t cause them, you learned them. I think the first step in de-centering the fear they’re causing you is simply allowing them to exist. You’re not doing anything wrong by simply reacting to what you’ve experienced in the world. The frustrating part comes in when what you’ve experienced in the world makes you afraid of what you might experience in the future, even though there’s no rule that says the things we’ve experienced are all we’ll ever experience.